The light and joy of Christmas has faded and I'm left with the stillness of a New Year with no resolutions... only a heart that is trying to embrace this wide open in between space.
My daughter recently asked me how many days it was until Valentines Day... Oh yes, I get that feeling. You see its so easy to try and find something to look forward to in these dark days with only the bright blue sky and bare branches as a back drop. I find myself saying "If only I can get through January... I'll be ok." So I try and get busy, busy fixing other peoples messes, trying to bear burdens I was never meant to shoulder, trying to fight battles that can't be seen. It takes these wide open spaces when calendars are empty, and days are too dreary to venture outside, to look inside. It takes time to process and be still, giving God a little bit of elbow room to work His surprises.
When I take the time to look inside I find its high time to put to death that old self that seems to creep up and take over when I least expect it. This is the season of my "white funeral" when all around me is frozen and lying dormant, and I know that I need to finally and perpetualy let go.
I also take time to remember how blessed I am and how these blessings mysteriously seem to be spilling out to brothers and sisters all around me. Its extremely comforting in the midst of struggles to be greeted with abundance from the hands of a Father who loves to give good gifts. It humbles me on a very deep level and I'm thankful for that. I'm learning to not only let go of the struggles in my life, but also the good things. We have in our minds an expectation of how things should be, how they should go and I love it when our Heavenly Father does more than we could hope or ask for. Its beautiful.
Lastly I am learning to do the hard work of mastering my thought life or rather surrendering my thought life to the Lord. This is of course, an on going battle I will have for the rest of my life, but one worth fighting. You see I never realized how powerful my thoughts were, how important it is for me to really focus on truth, because it brings life to my physical body. So much emphasis is place on the physical body when you are dealing with cancer treatment. What I am finding though is that my body, mind and spirit are so mysteriously interconnect and when one area has atrophied it affects all the other areas of my life. God's word is life giving and powerful and I am choosing to pour into a very wounded mind, the truth it so desperately needs to heal and thrive.
So although January is almost to a close and before you know it spring will be bringing forth all her glories, I wait and work in these dark wintery days. Hard things are worth taking time to look at, worth the work, and worth letting go. Letting go means begin a little bit less secure in myself and a little bit more secure in my strong Father who beckons me to fall into His loving arms...waiting for what new surprises He has in store for me.
Benedition ~Josh Garrels