Most mornings I wake up feeling overwhelmed as I think about what needs to get done in that new day. I curl into a little ball, pull the covers over my head, and cry out to my heavenly Father. My prayer usually goes something like this..."Oh dear God please help me I am so weak, I don't know how I'm going to do it...I need your help to get me through this day."
Its a struggle to get up out of my bed. Its been a battle ground around here lately. My days have been filled with internal skirmishes...surrounded by enemies. Guilt hijacks the blessings that keep pouring into my lap each day. I don't deserve these gifts, I need to do more, be more, fight harder etc. Fear creeps in when I let my guard down. "What if" seems to be the choice words that I hear. Self-Pity looms large too, especially when I am tired and worn thin. I have cancer.... I don't deserve this, no one cares about me...no one really understands me. External bombardments within our extended family have come too, enough pain and struggle to overwhelm us during a good season of life let alone while facing cancer. Its been hard for me lately I'm not going to lie.
There is however something that keeps coming to my mind while I am in the midst of these hard days. I see in my minds eye a table with a feast of foods spread before me, and a chair where I can sit down. My host is Jesus Christ himself. He holds the chair with one hand ready to push it out for me and with the other hand he is beckoning me to come sit. He's smiling, almost laughing really. The enemies of Guilt, Fear, and Self-Pity crowd around me as I make my way to the table. The table is jam packed with good things to eat including fruits, infused with all the spiritual gifts, a cup of blessings standing ready to drink, and of course bread filled with Life to nourish and sustain. David talks about this feast....that in the very presence of his enemies he is called to sup and rest.
I don't know about you but I'm only in the mood for feasting when things around me are calm and in good order. But the thing that I am learning is that contentment and peace does not always come and for long stretches of time we may live in turmoil and pain. Do not wait to partake of the joys afforded to us by our triune God till all is well. Come to the feast, as I am learning to do, every day one day at a time. This feast is laid before me in the very midst of my enemies not when they have fled. It isn't always easy to come, but it is the very costly provision that Jesus himself has given to us through his life, death and victorious resurrection. I find that when I do come to this table, I walk away refreshed and with the Truth of the gospel giving me strength again for another day.