Two days ago Scott and I went to a follow up appointment with my Oncologist in regards to my current situation. After looking at the CT scan it became quiet clear to us things are worse than we initially thought. I have tumors some as big as 3 cm all throughout my liver. He said it kind of looks like swiss cheese in there and I could tell that he was right. He said this is a visceral crisis.
However despite this news Scott and I have graciously been given joy and peace. Not only that we have hope that this diagnosis will be used to glorify God in a might way. So if you are reading this and feel despair or anger, please don't. This is the time to go before God in boldness and rejoicing and with great expectation of his mighty hand doing powerful things in my body. I have gotten to the end of myself and my striving and I am resting in the power and blood of Jesus. My eyes are fixed on him and he will not do anything that he doesn't deem fit for my life.
I have been in some pretty bad pain the last few days but it seems to me that each day my pain is actually lessening, and that I have been able to eat small nutritious meals throughout the day. I am still tired and rest a lot but I'm thankful because God has allowed family and friends to surround us with support, care and love.
I also want to make it very clear that I am not looking at this situation in a naive way. I fully understand that I may die from this disease and I have watched people with cancer do the same. However even in this I have peace. We will all someday die, this is the reality of living in a sinful world, but praise God that through Christ, death has lost its sting and no matter which way this goes God will be glorified. Take a moment to let that concept soak into your heart. So often we run from the thought of death, we fill our days with things that make us feel important and strong. I have been given the gift of staring death straight in the face and although it is not something I wish to do it allows me to align all my priorities and realize what is truly important. My prayer for all of you who are reading this, is that you would understand more clearly what it means to put your life and will into the hands of a God who loves you. I do believe despite this situation I'm in that God is loving and faithful and good. Let me make it very clear that this strength I have is NOT from me. I have been filled up with a supernatural love and peace. In my own nature I am a worm and freak out about most everything. Christ is sustaining me. Let him do the same for you.
As we approach Easter, take some time to really think about what Christ did for all of us on the cross. He was being obedient to the Father. In so doing he has made a way for us to enter into the throne of grace and have a relationship with God. What a blessing and joy that despite what we all might be going through there is hope through Jesus Christ!
Scott and I are praying about the next step we need to take in terms of treatment. We have a pretty clear idea of what that will be but we do want to take time to really pray about it.
Here are a few things to be praying about for us right now...
~ Please pray boldly for complete and full healing. I believe that he is willing and able to do this for me.
~Pray for wisdom as we make decision about my health.
~Please pray for my Mom who has and will continue to help us during these days. Pray that the Lord would give her strength and joy for the days to come.
~ Lift up Scott as he is trying to juggle work, helping me, and caring for our kids.
~Pray for our children that their hearts would be guarded and filled with joy.
Thank you all so much for your support and prayers!
God I Look To You